An Open Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex, I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. It's been years since we were an item, and you have a new life now. Let me assure you that I am not trying to change that. I'm writing you because of some bad treatment that my brother has reported suffering at your hands. First let me say that I understand that I am not a very good guy. To complicate matters, I was absolutely terrible for you. That having been said, it is not fair to punish him for the bad things that I did to you. You have successfully driven me out of your life, and even got many of your friends and family to abandon me as well. Fair enough, I probably deserve that. My brother does not.

I don't have to tell you that our breakup was particularly bad. We would spit up, then get back together. It was like I had some power over you. You would threaten to leave but you couldn't do it. When you finally would leave I would find a way to get you to take me back. I have to admit, I never really got over how you would change when you would break up with me. One day you loved me. I was your world and you would do anything for me. The next you hated me. I was a worthless jerk and you wished you had never met me. Then we would give it another try and I was the best thing ever again.

When you finally left me for goof, you have to admit that you went totally nuts on me. You would tell mutual friends that they shouldn't hang out with me, and if they allowed me in their house you wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Your friends literally had to sneak around with me so you wouldn't catch us together. You would actually lash out at them sometimes claiming to have "smelled me" on them or in their car. Yes, they told me about that, and you have to admit that was taking it to far. Especially considering that all the while you would come see me when you got drunk telling me how much you loved and missed me and on more than one such night of drinking you even took me out with you and we spent a passionate night together. You would kiss me and lay there in bed with me, enjoying a passionate night of ecstasy and a final fling in the morning before you would toss me aside again and wash my scent out of your sheets so I could once again be forgotten. And while I would hope that this time would be different, and we could give it one last try, I would soon realize that you hated me again. And of course, nobody should ever know that you had an intimate experience with me in a moment of weakness.

Then one day you saw me at the mall with another girl. You lashed out at her, telling her about how awful I was and how she should dump me and run the other way. You got me banned from bars that you liked, and even one restaurant that you ate at regularly asked me not to come back "to avoid problems." And here's the best part. I'm not even a bad guy! I'm a cigarette.

Why do you harass your friends and family that still smoke? Why do you try to get cigarettes kicked out of bars and restaurants? Until now you have told the lie. Much like the crazy ex girlfriend claims the man was abusive and a cheater, you have insisted that second hand smoke is going to kill you, but you tipped your hand when you went after my twin brother, the electronic cigarette. He has no smoke, first or second hand. He is made of liquid nicotine in a solution of propylene glycol (asthma inhalers use this), vegetable glycerin (used in foods and cough syrups), and food grade flavorings. It poses every bit the risk to you in the air as the vapor coming off of a pot of boiling coffee. So let's stop the games, and just admit it.

You don't hate me because I'm bad and I'm dangerous. Sure, that is why you broke up with me, but that is not why you hate me. You hate me because you had to teach yourself to hate me to get over me. That is fine. I can accept that. But can we be adults now? I know that when you see my twin brother Electronic Cigarette out on the town enjoying the night in between the lips of a hot blonde it drives you nuts with jealousy. It reminds you of all of the good times we had together. You see how happy he makes her, and it makes you miss me, I get that. But he is not me. In fact, if I were to be totally honest, he is much better for you than me. I know it's too late for that, but if you gave him a try you would probably fall in love with him the way you did with me and have a good relationship without all of the negative aspects that I brought to the table.

Look, I'm not trying to get you to date him. I know he looks and acts too much like me for you to get over your hatred of me and give him a chance. You have moved on, and you have a new life now, and I'm okay with that. All I'm asking is that you quit punishing him for my failures and shortcomings. When you see him out on the town with another one of my exes, don't harass her or try to get him kicked out of restaurants and bars. Who knows, maybe he's just a rebound for her. Maybe she will date him casually until she is fully over me and then dump him too. Or, maybe she will fall in love and they will have a much healthier relationship than she and I ever had. And let's face it, there is something in it for you too. After all, if you successfully get her to dump him before she is fully over me, guess who she might fall back in love with?

Sincerely,

Analogue Cigarette